'The end of the battle with self abuse + the relation to eating disorders'
Measuring tapes, scales, weight log books ... These items feel like a distant memory for me but it has been a long time coming to write this entry, on the battle i used to face on self abuse through starvation and obsessing about my exterior. Didn't help that I chosen a career based on measurements and looks. Not too long ago i decided to sacrifice my own health for the glory of walking down runways of famous designers.
We all go through series of self abuse at least one time in our lives or we still do it time to time. objectively, it is about bouncing back to the practice and thought of 'self-care' and 'self-love'.
I just turned 20 when i was told to lose weight. I just landed in Korea and the agency told me if i didnt lose the weight they would drop my contract. At this time i was working out daily, doing yoga, climbing mountains and eating rice bowls, being an active healthy,happy, young woman. Not being aware of the dangerous long terms effects of crash dieting, i quickly dived into a vicious cycle of obsession with eating and exercising. Modelling was second nature to me, i was young and impressionable, i started to lose the weight quickly and feeling that high of achievement of reaching my 'weight log book' measurement goals.
I developed a weight lose program that would haunt me for the next few years of my life. I did hot yoga 2 times daily on an empty stomach, ate only soy products, and cut my portions down more than half. Here, i didn't consult a nutritionist or trainer in order to guide me safely, i was uneducated and unaware of my resources. One year passed i arrived in Paris, i looked fabulous to the industry but disappearing slowly, i was tired, and fainting on a regular basis. The agencies and clients had no idea i was suffering, because i was a 'functioning anorexic' i like to call it. The french models always questioned me why i never ate, as i puffed away on my vogue menthol's watchingthem happily devour buttery sauce dishes and warm croissants. At that time i didn't understand how they did it and as of today i thank those woman for showing me balance, and creating that zest in my life.
What inspired me to write this blog, was what i witnessed during fashion week this season. Girls lined up backstage to go on the runway, many very young being new to the scene, and others at their peak in their careers. As a yoga teacher and health advocate i quickly noticed bones, the lack of energy, and eyes of desperation and a SOS. I saw my old self in these ladies and knew it was time to come clean.
Self-love is a wonderful journey and most of us need to hit a pinnacle or the bottom to understand the true meaning of self-care. Just as why there is good and evil, yin and yang in this world to help differentiate between the two. Self- care is the state of ones appreciation either physically, psychologically, and spiritually upon themselves. Body image and unrealistic expectations effect all three of those qualities. Models in the public eye should understand they too encourage this behavior through media.
Your probably asking ' Erica, do you regret the sacrifice?'
No, i do not regret the starvation and abuse i done to myself, not because the fame or status. I am glad i went through that sacrifice in order to know, that it is not worth the fight later and sharing my story may influence even just one girl or boy. I have a list of health issues, that i highly believe is from anorexia; i cannot absorb iron for the death of me, my system denies any bread (anorexia probably induced the intolerance), and I had 2 miscarriages, my MD highly believes from my disorder as well. It is rather hard to reverse the effects now, its a life long journey. The list goes on and on. I came along way with my own mind and psychological issues it created, but happy to say it is a distant memory those voices. What doesn't always go away the physical harm behind it. Eating disorders cause risks, and when playing with biological process and science there is always repercussions.
The side effects of extreme dieting and eating disorders ;
- Infertility
- Shutdown of major body systems
- Brain damage
- Heart attacks
- Death
Exercise self love with listening to the inner voice of 'i love my body' Its like denying your DNA, family, or your heritage. Would a six foot ballerina believe to dance as a profession? No, there are regulations, but she can continue as a hobby. Just like when someone tells you your too big or too small, are you going to choose self love to help deny the insults, and live a loving relationship with yourself? Or go forward and risk the health risks?
So, why be a bully to yourself ? Because the best relationship to have, is with the person you see in the mirror.
In conclusion as i can rant about this for days, is that we have not just ourselves looking up to us, there are also daughters, sons, sisters, mothers and everybody else who sees us as social and public figures. Practicing self love is a wonderful journey and acceptance of oneself is the best thing i ever have done in my life. I no longer use a scale, and no longer keep a log book but a journal of self love practices.
A 5 Step Prescription to Self-Love ...
1. Become Mindful- People that practice self love tend to not let others shape the way they behave and let them mindfully think and act on their own
2. Set Boundaries - You'll love yourself more when you set limits or say no to work, love, or activities that deplete or harm you physically, emotionally and spiritually, or express poorly who you are.
3. Forgive yourself - We tend to be hard on ourselves for mistakes that we make, but learn to let go, treat yourself like a family member and forgive. Accept your humaness, to allow yourself to grow and learn. If we never make mistakes we would never have the chance to grow. Experience is what makes us be the best super-human
4. Practice proper self care- You will love yourself so much more if you take care of yourself, proper nutrition, balanced exercising, bathing, finding more 'YOU time'. I suggest doing yoga as there are tons of routines and exercises that helps the mind find reason with the body.
5. Vocalize- Talk to a professional or contact a centre that specializes in eating disorders, you are not alone.Sharing your story, becomes more real and it encourages self healing and the process becomes more successful.
"Anorexia nervosa is a very serious eating disorder, particularly if it is accompanied by co-occurring psychiatric and addictive disorders. Like bulimia nervosa and other eating disorders, anorexia is a medical disease that can result in irreversible health complications, including death"
If you know you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder please contact Ontario Healthline for more information on receiving help at toll free
1-866-797-0000
Big thank you to the love and support of everyone that helped me on my journey
xoxo
Erica Krauter